What is sex?
You may think that sex is just when the penis goes into the vagina. But it can be more than that. Sex can be done in many ways, and it is natural. It is also meant to be enjoyed.
What can sex look like for you?
There are many ways to have sex. Sex can either involve penetration or not. Most importantly, you and your partner need to both agree to what you are doing so you feel safe which is known as consent.
Vaginal sex
This is when a penis or another object such as a sex toy or finger(s) goes inside a vagina.
Anal sex
This happens when your anus is penetrated or when you penetrate someone anally. Penetration can be via someone’s penis, fingers, sex toys or other objects. It is important to use a condom when having anal sex to prevent against HIV and other STIs. You can also use lubricants (water-based only) to make sure there are no injuries and to make sure that the condom doesn’t tear.
Masturbation (touching yourself)
This includes when you touch or rub parts of your body that give you pleasure (make you feel good). These can be your breasts, anus, vagina, penis, or hair among other areas. Masturbation also includes fingering of the vagina and anus or jerking off or using sex toys. Masturbation is a good way to learn about what kind of touch you enjoy.
What is an orgasm?
An orgasm is the release of tension that can happen during sex or masturbation, and it feels good. Having an orgasm is also known as coming/cumming, climaxing or ejaculating. During an orgasm, you might: feel warmer, feel your heart rate increase, feel your muscles relax, and feel pleasure in your genitals or even your whole body.
Other common sexual or sensual activities:
- Touching
- Kissing
- Phone sex (sexting)
- Hugging
- Cuddling
- Sharing fantasies
- Massaging
You don’t need to have penetration to enjoy sex. Sex can happen in different ways, and everyone has their own preferences. Before you have sex, you need to think about what things you feel comfortable doing, you must ask what the other person feels comfortable doing and think about any risks involved like STIs or
unplanned pregnancy as well as how to prevent both. Are you thinking about having sex? There are important things to think about. Check them out
here. The best kind of sex is sex where everyone involved wants to be! Find out more about consent
here. Not wanting to have sex right now is completely okay! Find out more
here.
Thinking about having sex?
There can be a lot of pressure to have sex when you are young. You might see it happening on TV, your friends may tell you that they’re having sex (sometimes even if they’re not) or your boyfriend or girlfriend may even be asking you to have it. Wanting to have sex is normal but it’s important to be ready to have sex.
Do you know about consent?
Consent means that both you and your partner have said ‘yes’ to whatever you are doing sexually. You both agree on what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not comfortable with. Keep in mind that consent can be withdrawn (taken away) at any moment. If someone is too drunk or too high to think clearly, then they can’t give consent. Rather help them get to a safe place and sleep it off. Without consent, it’s not sex, its rape.
5 important questions to ask yourself when deciding whether you’re ready to have sex
- How does the person you’re dating feel about having sex? Are you able to talk about sex openly and honestly? Have you asked your potential partner how they feel about having sex? What they think sex means or does not mean? Have they asked you about how you feel.
- Are you feeling pressured to have sex? Do you feel like you could say no or change your mind at any time, without your partner getting angry? Do you feel like you could tell your partner what you do or don’t want, even while you are having sex.
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Are you pressuring someone else to have sex with you? Your hormones are raging, and you might think about sex all the time. There’s nothing wrong with that because it is natural. But you only have the right to decide for yourself that you want
sex and are emotionally ready for it. You don’t get to make that decision for anyone else.
- Is it legal for you and your partner to have sex? In South Africa, it is illegal for someone 18 or older to have sex with someone younger than 16.
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Are you prepared? Do you know how to protect yourself from sexually transmitted infections (including HIV) or an unplanned pregnancy? Whatever you
decide, remember— it’s your decision! Don’t let anyone make it for you! Watch this loveLife video to get more information about what you should be thinking about before having sex.
Not wanting to have sex right now is completely okay! Find out more. The best kind of sex is sex where everyone involved agrees. Find out more about consent here. Remember, there is no pressure to have sex with someone else. Check out this article to learn about masturbation.
Four reasons to delay sex
The decision to have sex is a very personal one, and if you don’t feel ready to have sex just yet, that is totally okay! Waiting before having sex can help you with the following:
- It gives you time to explore and understand your body on your own and to learn what you like and don’t like.
- It gives you time to decide what sex means to you and what you want from a sexual relationship once you’re ready.
- It gives you time to become more self-confident. When you do decide to have sex, you are able to tell your partner what you like and don’t, and talk about protection from HIV and other sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
- It means you don’t have to worry about things like HIV, STIs and unplanned pregnancies. If you’re not sure you’re ready to deal with using contraception and HIV/STI prevention, it may be better to delay having sex for now.
Can you delay sex even after you’ve had it once or twice?
If you’ve had sex already but you didn’t enjoy it, felt afterward that you really weren’t ready, or you changed your mind about the person you had sex with, you can decide to stop having sex and wait until you are ready. Just because you started having sex doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind and decide to wait until you’re really ready.
Not ready for sex with someone else but want to try masturbating? Find out more about pleasuring yourself here.
To find out more about sex toys, click here
It’s important to understand consent when you do/if you decide to have sex. Find out what consent is here
What is consent?
If you have sex with someone when you both want and agree to have sex, then that is consent. There is no consent when you have sex because you are afraid. Or because you are forced.
Everyone has the right to decide if they want to have sex. When they want to have sex. Where they want to have sex. How they want to have sex. And with who they want to have sex.
Ask for consent
Check out these 26 ways to ask for consent by the Soul City Institute:.
There’s a simple way to make sure you have consensual sex (sex where both people agree and are willing to do it) every time:
Getting a firm ‘Yes!’
Even in the heat of the moment, at a party or with someone you’re very attracted to, pausing to ask for consent is always the best idea. You can only have sex if you clearly hear someone say yes! If they say no, stop immediately.
It is also important to remember that just because you are in a relationship with someone, this does not mean that they must have sex with you.
If your partner says no, they mean it. No will never mean yes.
NO is NEVER a YES
- If someone agreed to have sex with you earlier in the day and then they change their mind, it is a NO.
- If someone starts having sex with you, and then changes their mind and wants to stop, it is a NO, and you NEED to STOP.
- If someone invites you to their place and cuddles you in bed, and says no, it is a no.
- If you buy someone a drink or a gift, it doesn’t mean they have said yes to sex.
P.S: If you are still not sure what consent means, watch this AMAZE.org video.
